The hardest thing of all!
I have never understood why it is acceptable, even considered sensible, to make pre-nuptial agreements regarding financial details, and then to go to mediation if things turn out badly, but there is no mechanism for involving some sort of arbitrator for what is generally considered the most significant outcome of any serious relationship – the children.
Two people choose to establish a home together because they believe that they share significant interests, love, ambitions, trust etc. There are many reasons for making a partnership, and having children together is often one of the more important. The dream of committing your genes to a common future, of making a new person who combines the best of both of you is a heady one. The joy of meeting your new baby, the person who might be the realisation of all those dreams and common goals, is one of the most glorious moments in life. And then the planning, the imaginings, the shared glances at a first step, the wobbly swimmer, the admiration from a stranger, even a major tantrum – all combine to make the children incredibly important. Add to the mix, the very special smile when the small child sees that the very most important person in the whole world – You – has just come home, and you have what very many people feel is the most critical part of the mix.
When, for whatever reason, the adult relationship falters, there is a lot of fall-out. Even when there is no particular cause for separation, one of the partners is often more ready to move on than the other. The resultant discord, the disconnection, can lead to confusion, hurt and anger and this in turn can lead to an emotional blind spot, a vortex in which things disappear – most particularly an accurate perspective of what is happening and how it might be perceived by the children.
When the separation follows an infidelity or betrayal of some sort, the damage is likely to be even greater.
In the pain of organising who moves out and to where, the way the children see all this can be forgotten. One of the partners may be sufficiently bitter to deliberately slight the other in front of the children; sometimes grandparents – on the sideline but desperately supporting their own ‘children’ – will take the opportunity to explain to ‘Freddy’, just how horrible the other party has been; one adult, as they leave, may ‘explain’ to the children that this isn’t what they want.... Or take the dog with them, or half the DVDs.
The situation is further complicated when children of different ages are involved. A two year old may adjust quite quickly to the partial loss of one parent, a five year old may feel he is to blame, and a ten year old may feel obliged to protect the parent with whom they stay and to hate the other one. Even when parents explain what is going on, and they often try, it is largely impossible to explain a situation that they themselves barely understand.
If you add to the mix a new partner, then maybe some other children, who can be surprised if the children become distressed or sullen, underachieve at school, overact when they are out and are generally not the children they were before?
Published on Wednesday, 25th March 2009