29 Jul 2010 Well, I phoned the mum and asked whether talking to me had helped. She was polite but rather non-committal so I guess it wasnt a whole lot of help.
You may recall that a number of us went on a course run by the charity Sibs which is all about supporting the siblings of children with disabilities. The thinking is that the sibling relationship is usually the longest relationship anyone has - you may have seen articles about brothers being reunited after sixty years and feeling wonderful. I remember my baby sister when she was less than a day old and that gives me some ownership, a peculiar relationship etc etc. Siblings are born into a family where they may have to compete for attention from adults [if not parents, grandparents], they are acknowledged as x's sister or brother, look similar or, strangely, do not etc. So the sibling relationship is very important. And if one sibling has especial needs, the relationship is distorted.
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You may recall that a number of us went on a course run by the charity Sibs which is all about supporting the siblings of children with disabilities. The thinking is that the sibling relationship is usually the longest relationship anyone has - you may have seen articles about brothers being reunited after sixty years and feeling wonderful. I remember my baby sister when she was less than a day old and that gives me some ownership, a peculiar relationship etc etc. Siblings are born into a family where they may have to compete for attention from adults [if not parents, grandparents], they are acknowledged as x's sister or brother, look similar or, strangely, do not etc. So the sibling relationship is very important. And if one sibling has especial needs, the relationship is distorted.
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27 Jul 2010 Today I had a new experience and it was quite chastening. A mum whose younger son is diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome asked if I would talk to him and his slightly older brother about the condition. Older brother is quite unkind and irritated by Tom whom he calls Weird and Geek etc. No problem.
George is 11, Tom is 9. Tom came in with a sort of fixed smile on his face. The boys are both good-looking and much the same height, both were wearing holiday tshirts. Not surprisingly, initially George took the lead, answering for his brother and asking pertinent questions. I showed them a power point display describing the condition and glossed over long words and irrelevancies. Increasingly Tom got bolder. He agreed that he liked things very organised, all his toys are tidily arranged under his bed and he finds it hard to sleep if they are not a]there and b] tidy. He dislikes loud noises, and likes shiny things. He is good at eating and going to the toilet but likes to smell his food first.
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George is 11, Tom is 9. Tom came in with a sort of fixed smile on his face. The boys are both good-looking and much the same height, both were wearing holiday tshirts. Not surprisingly, initially George took the lead, answering for his brother and asking pertinent questions. I showed them a power point display describing the condition and glossed over long words and irrelevancies. Increasingly Tom got bolder. He agreed that he liked things very organised, all his toys are tidily arranged under his bed and he finds it hard to sleep if they are not a]there and b] tidy. He dislikes loud noises, and likes shiny things. He is good at eating and going to the toilet but likes to smell his food first.
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22 Jul 2010 It rained today and rained and rained, but each of my families came in, a couple with extra children for whom there was no babysitter.
Of course, we often work with the whole family – any child operates within a family context – but I am constantly surprised by the number of problems people deal with alone. Today I met with five families. Family one brought the girl with the difficulties and her brother. He is very nice and, it turns out has trouble sleeping. At age 10, he often doesn’t sleep until 4 a.m. which causes the whole family a lot of concern. It seems that he finds trouble breathing and this aggravates him significantly. It isn’t easy to sleep when you know a little boy is still reading and playing on his X Box because he can’t sleep. The doctor has given him a nasal spray and we talked about him trying a milk-free diet briefly [this often reduces catarrh], sleeping with a number of pillows and using some sort of Vick. Maybe.
The third family has a boy who is being bullied at school, seems to have learning difficulties [more]
Of course, we often work with the whole family – any child operates within a family context – but I am constantly surprised by the number of problems people deal with alone. Today I met with five families. Family one brought the girl with the difficulties and her brother. He is very nice and, it turns out has trouble sleeping. At age 10, he often doesn’t sleep until 4 a.m. which causes the whole family a lot of concern. It seems that he finds trouble breathing and this aggravates him significantly. It isn’t easy to sleep when you know a little boy is still reading and playing on his X Box because he can’t sleep. The doctor has given him a nasal spray and we talked about him trying a milk-free diet briefly [this often reduces catarrh], sleeping with a number of pillows and using some sort of Vick. Maybe.
The third family has a boy who is being bullied at school, seems to have learning difficulties [more]
21 Jul 2010 We were a bunch of psychologists together last night discussing children, our children and parenting. This arose from a journalist who wrote about her relationship with her teenagers. She told them what to do and the she sort-of laughed as she wrote how they ignored her, came home late, swore at her, and so on. She wrote that she did this because she kept getting visions of them as babies, sweet and adorable and cuddly and smelling nice, and couldn’t bear to be mean to them or hurt them.
We agreed that this is where we all came from. It’s the thought of teenagers as babies that stops most of us wanting to hurt them when they are obnoxious. But it’s the thought of them as adults that keeps us firm when we ask them to do something and they don’t oblige. One mum had asked her daughter to clean the house – for money. She was keen to be paid, but didn’t much want to clean. So her mother moved on to use other people. And whenever daughter complains that she is short of money, her mother makes fake sympathy noises, and doesn’t give her any.
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We agreed that this is where we all came from. It’s the thought of teenagers as babies that stops most of us wanting to hurt them when they are obnoxious. But it’s the thought of them as adults that keeps us firm when we ask them to do something and they don’t oblige. One mum had asked her daughter to clean the house – for money. She was keen to be paid, but didn’t much want to clean. So her mother moved on to use other people. And whenever daughter complains that she is short of money, her mother makes fake sympathy noises, and doesn’t give her any.
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15 Jul 2010 Yesterday I went out to see Ben and his mum. Ben is still only seven and has had a number of problems. He had serious bowel difficulties and then meningitis. Not unreasonably his mum worries about this little boy almost constantly, trying to find a label for his problems and working out how best to help him. He came to me as possible Aspergers and it is agreed that his learning difficulties mean he can go to another school next term.
Mum and I talked, together with his NCH helper who takes him out twice a week. Mum expressed her concern about his eating – apparently some days he literally does not eat or drink at all. But the Consultant says he is growing well and that she should not worry.
Ben came in. He is a pretty blond boy and came in talking nineteen to the dozen, telling me all about Star Wars. He did not seem shy and was keen to show me his light sabre. [more]
Mum and I talked, together with his NCH helper who takes him out twice a week. Mum expressed her concern about his eating – apparently some days he literally does not eat or drink at all. But the Consultant says he is growing well and that she should not worry.
Ben came in. He is a pretty blond boy and came in talking nineteen to the dozen, telling me all about Star Wars. He did not seem shy and was keen to show me his light sabre. [more]