18 Jun 2010 Two colleagues gave feedback this week on courses they had attended. How to deal with attachment problems.
These difficulties arise when for whatever reason the parent is not available to comfort a child who needs comfort - usually this need arises when the baby is about six months old. The mum might be ill or depressed, if her own parents are unwell or perhaps an older child is in hospital, her priorities might be elsewhere. She might not be able to be there for this baby. But problems also arise when the Mum is very young and does not know how to parent, or really does not prioritise her child or the child was placed in an orphanage [as happened to many Eastern European babies, some chinese babies etc, who were then adopted over in the UK]
The child naturally turns to her parent for support when s/he is frightened. In normal circumstances, the parent is there to make things safe. If the parent is not there, the child has to organise this safety for himself. [more]
These difficulties arise when for whatever reason the parent is not available to comfort a child who needs comfort - usually this need arises when the baby is about six months old. The mum might be ill or depressed, if her own parents are unwell or perhaps an older child is in hospital, her priorities might be elsewhere. She might not be able to be there for this baby. But problems also arise when the Mum is very young and does not know how to parent, or really does not prioritise her child or the child was placed in an orphanage [as happened to many Eastern European babies, some chinese babies etc, who were then adopted over in the UK]
The child naturally turns to her parent for support when s/he is frightened. In normal circumstances, the parent is there to make things safe. If the parent is not there, the child has to organise this safety for himself. [more]
15 Jun 2010 I met with a Mum yesterday and her two older children. She has three children with a fourth due any minute. She is pretty large and looked lumbering as she walked to the loo, again and again. It seemed very reasonable when she said she can’t wait to deliver the baby and get on with the rest of her life.
Mrs X is on her own now as her husband left the family home about two months ago. She doesn’t have enough money to manage well and is feeling lonely. The two older children both miss their father – George has become increasingly difficult to manage and Millie cries about him a lot. I would like to help Mum to manage the children – after all she is there all the time – but I need to see what is happening first in order to give appropriate suggestions. George was whistling when he came – perhaps to sound like a big boy. Millie was just curious. We looked at the toys, the children played while I talked with their mother and then I took each child into another room for a few minutes.
[more]
Mrs X is on her own now as her husband left the family home about two months ago. She doesn’t have enough money to manage well and is feeling lonely. The two older children both miss their father – George has become increasingly difficult to manage and Millie cries about him a lot. I would like to help Mum to manage the children – after all she is there all the time – but I need to see what is happening first in order to give appropriate suggestions. George was whistling when he came – perhaps to sound like a big boy. Millie was just curious. We looked at the toys, the children played while I talked with their mother and then I took each child into another room for a few minutes.
[more]
3 Jun 2010 Big discussion yesterday about the viability of this website. From the beginning I have argued that I don’t want advertising on this site – others argue persuasively that it is a very positive way of generating income. I also fought hard for an extensive questionnaire at the beginning of joining so that there is maximal knowledge about the whole family – who is who, and how significant are they within the family – things you may forget to say in the context of an urgent enquiry.
And what I had in my head was the notion of entry to the site being the beginning of all sorts of learning – with concise and well written articles on how to deal with everything from bed-wetting to bereavement to pocket-money. It would make sense for people to print off the articles for friends, but only after they have joined. You can not imagine how much effort has gone into them. And the whole thing was to be done in writing to allow for thought and a record of all that is said and done.
But the world has moved on and the ferocious argument was part of this. Now there is Skype and similar – cheap phone calls and some people feel happier explaining themselves with a voice. Other people felt that people don’t want a family resource but want one question answered, at a time. I have problems with this too as no one seems to have a clear-cut simple problem. Sometimes this is how it presents at the beginning but it soon becomes much more complex as it turns out that Mum came from a diplomatic family and that’s the fundamental reason why she worries about her son moving school. Or Father’s grandmother died when he was abroad and he has been anxious to establish the relationship that the children find abhorrent. Or even that My child has a Tic problem – did they mention that several other members of the family have similar difficulties? And therefore deny that there is any problem at all.
Now I don’t know what to do, and would welcome your feedback – email hmhmc.com@aol.com and let me know whether I should change. Do you feel that a year’s membership is too big a deal? Maybe your family don’t have problems, maybe you learn enough from casual reading or accessible other sites. Are adverts a good idea? I should appreciate your ideas and input.
[more]
And what I had in my head was the notion of entry to the site being the beginning of all sorts of learning – with concise and well written articles on how to deal with everything from bed-wetting to bereavement to pocket-money. It would make sense for people to print off the articles for friends, but only after they have joined. You can not imagine how much effort has gone into them. And the whole thing was to be done in writing to allow for thought and a record of all that is said and done.
But the world has moved on and the ferocious argument was part of this. Now there is Skype and similar – cheap phone calls and some people feel happier explaining themselves with a voice. Other people felt that people don’t want a family resource but want one question answered, at a time. I have problems with this too as no one seems to have a clear-cut simple problem. Sometimes this is how it presents at the beginning but it soon becomes much more complex as it turns out that Mum came from a diplomatic family and that’s the fundamental reason why she worries about her son moving school. Or Father’s grandmother died when he was abroad and he has been anxious to establish the relationship that the children find abhorrent. Or even that My child has a Tic problem – did they mention that several other members of the family have similar difficulties? And therefore deny that there is any problem at all.
Now I don’t know what to do, and would welcome your feedback – email hmhmc.com@aol.com and let me know whether I should change. Do you feel that a year’s membership is too big a deal? Maybe your family don’t have problems, maybe you learn enough from casual reading or accessible other sites. Are adverts a good idea? I should appreciate your ideas and input.
[more]
1 Jun 2010 Siblings time. There are presently any number of articles in any number of newspapers about siblings. And I’ve done a few interviews which have helped me to clarify my thinking, a bit. Are they rivals or friends? What makes the difference? How do parents feel about it? If two siblings are on opposing sides – whom should parents support? How do family relationships work?
And all this coincided with two articles about brothers and sisters who had been separated shortly after birth and had met and married. One couple were half brother and sister. All of those involved spoke of the instant recognition they felt when they met their partner – the instant ‘clicking’, the sharing of opinions, humour etc. There is research to show that we are programmed to search for shared genes – the same but different idea – so that the next generation will offer a modestly increased diversity.
This leads to the thinking that siblings – if not brought up together – might well find each other physically quite attractive and share a number of attitudes and ideas. [more]
And all this coincided with two articles about brothers and sisters who had been separated shortly after birth and had met and married. One couple were half brother and sister. All of those involved spoke of the instant recognition they felt when they met their partner – the instant ‘clicking’, the sharing of opinions, humour etc. There is research to show that we are programmed to search for shared genes – the same but different idea – so that the next generation will offer a modestly increased diversity.
This leads to the thinking that siblings – if not brought up together – might well find each other physically quite attractive and share a number of attitudes and ideas. [more]
27 May 2010 I had an appointment with a wonderful couple of grandparents today. They are caring for their grandson after he was physically harmed by his mother. The boy was two when he came to them after being taken to hospital with scalds and burns. They had attempted to get help for him before but no-one had taken them seriously. So they fought his mum through the Courts for a Residence Order and spent a lot of money. He has turned their lives upside down – their children were grown-up and there they were starting again.
The boy is lovely: attractive, bright and funny. But he can be violent and aggressive and recently had a couple of night terrors. I met him before and this was my chance to hear from the adults what had happened. Lee was not speaking when he first came to them, so my hypothesis is that he has no verbal memories of what happened, but a lot of physical and sensory memories. The grandparents tell me that he was being cared for by his mum and her boyfriend. She used to come and say ‘You can Have Him’, and they worried a lot. On one occasion, they thought he had been drugged.
[more]
The boy is lovely: attractive, bright and funny. But he can be violent and aggressive and recently had a couple of night terrors. I met him before and this was my chance to hear from the adults what had happened. Lee was not speaking when he first came to them, so my hypothesis is that he has no verbal memories of what happened, but a lot of physical and sensory memories. The grandparents tell me that he was being cared for by his mum and her boyfriend. She used to come and say ‘You can Have Him’, and they worried a lot. On one occasion, they thought he had been drugged.
[more]